During their teen years, people begin to form ideas of what kind of person they’ll be. This is why Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month in February is so critical: Interpartner abuse hurts anyone, but young people are especially vulnerable because they’re just forming their ideas of what dating looks like.
Stats provided by Kaiser Permanente show that experiences of abuse are high among young people:
• One in three U.S. teens will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from someone they’re in a relationship with before becoming adults. This can include stalking and digital abuse.
• Nearly half (43%) of U.S. college women report experiencing violent or abusive dating behaviors.
Dr. Shannon Tran, Phd, a psychologist at Kaiser Permanente San Leandro, says, “Since it’s so common it might be easy to dismiss, or you might be desensitized to it.”
She continues, “Sometimes there is pressure to bend over backwards to keep a relationship, especially if you’re new at dating and you might not know what to expect…If you do that long enough you start to lose yourself and your values, what’s important to you.”
What are the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship? One metric is anything that prompts the reaction, “That didn’t feel good.” Behaviors include persistent anger, disrespect, put-downs, isolation, jealousy, any physical harm, manipulation and pressure.
Of course, humans run through a range of emotions. Everyone messes up, feels shame or guilt, and wants to do better. However, in healthy relationships, people feel safe to be themselves. Partners accept each other’s decisions and boundaries, even if they don’t fully understand. People can identify their own needs and emotions, and not feel shamed or rejected.
Techniques for healthy relationships start with self-knowledge, especially around boundaries, which teens are just discovering. “Depending on your upbringing you may not even have healthy boundaries,” Dr. Tran says. If teens haven’t seen these modeled in their family of origin, they can repeat that dynamic outside their family—accepting abuse or even perpetuating it.
Good boundaries start with the belief: “My needs matter, and your needs matter.” From there, people can communicate with each other in a clear and nonjudgmental way. And respond to crossed boundaries—even if that means ending a relationship. For teens, as for everyone, support networks of family and friends help provide stability when relationships hit problems.
“Unfortunately we don’t have a manual that tells us how relationships work,” Dr. Tran says. “We get good advice…but even then that doesn’t necessarily protect you from being exposed to an abusive relationship.
This is why learning these skills and having this awareness is so critical. Because the sooner you can spot it and correct it or have the ability to remove yourself from it, the better protected you’ll be and the less impact those kinds of experiences will have on you.”
In the multicultural Bay Area, openmindedness and communication are especially important when expectations around dating vary. Someone may come from a culture where one-on-one dates are frowned upon, and prefer to date in a group setting. A teen might have a curfew, or a sibling might be a designated date chaperone.
When norms differ, have an open conversation. Start with curiosity: “Your family believes this or has this preference—tell me about that. Where does that come from?” Judgement or shame will shut the other person down, and can open the door to disrespect.
Dr. Tran recommends that, coupled or single, teens should have open discussions about their dating dealbreakers, preferences and non-issues. And if they need advice or support to reach out to a parent, friend, school counselor or hotline.
Unfortunately, abuse is prevalent. But no matter age or culture, it doesn’t have to define anyone, or take away future love and happiness.
Resources:
The National Dating Abuse Helpline 1.866.331.9474
