On the day after Christmas in 2004, a tsunami ravaged the Indian Ocean and killed an estimated 230,000 people. Sonali Deraniyagala was on vacation with her two young children, husband and parents in Sri Lanka when everyone was swept away—leaving her as the only survivor.
Writing about her struggle with the aftermath in the award-winning memoir Wave, Deraniyagala described years of “trying not to remember anything of our lives before.” It took four years before she could even bear to return to her family home and encounter the physical objects left behind by her loved ones.
‘Initially, people who are grieving are in autopilot mode. They’re just trying to get through, because their brain is sort of protecting them from acute grief.’
– Dr. Neeru Kumar
Bereavement is one of the most intense stressors humans can experience, explained Dr. Neeru Kumar, a psychiatrist at Washington Health Medical Group in Fremont. “Initially, people who are grieving are in autopilot mode,” said Kumar. “They’re just trying to get through, because their brain is sort of protecting them from acute grief.”
In the same way that Deraniyagala slowly emerged from her numbed state to embrace reminders of her loved ones and the memories they held, Kumar notes the importance of acknowledging absence as part of the healing process.
During the winter holidays, Kumar suggests those grieving can write greeting cards, prepare stockings or even visit the gravesite of the person they miss. Such activities “can be a very cathartic, very meaningful way to deal with that loss,” Kumar said.
Grief takes many forms. A divorce, miscarriage, retirement or even an imminent loss can produce a complicated surge of emotions. The famous categorization of “the five stages of grief” sometimes misleads people into believing that overcoming loss follows a tidy step-by-step checklist. In reality, as Kumar illustrated in an online presentation, people zig-zag between stages.
With the holiday season’s emphasis on family, joy and good cheer, grievers can often feel more isolated or aware of their loss. Acknowledging this can help include others in the journey of grieving.
Cultural messaging around celebrating the New Year often emphasizes “moving forward” and fresh starts. For some, it feels unrealistic to start over or find silver linings.
After her unfathomable loss, Deraniyagala described learning to “hold” the absence of her family alongside the happy memories from the past, “kind of straddling two worlds.”
There’s no right or wrong way to experience loss, Kumar said. Expectations about certain reactions being “more valid” than others can cause unnecessary anguish or guilt.
“No one wants advice at that time,” Kumar said. “Being there for someone… is more important than letting them know, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t be doing this or that.’”
For example, if a mourner prefers to withdraw and retreat to social media, some observers may be tempted to discourage such behavior, citing isolation or social anxiety associated with increased smartphone use. But Kumar noted that social media can sometimes provide powerful support from strangers or acquaintances who’ve experienced similar trauma.
At the same time, friends and family can be vigilant about warning signs during such vulnerable periods. It’s particularly important to be wary of alcohol, cannabis and other substance abuse.
‘No one wants advice at that time. Being there for someone… is more important than letting them know ‘Maybe you shouldn’t be doing this or that.’’
– Dr. Neeru Kumar, psychiatrist at Washington Township Medical Foundation
“There are some people who are going through severe depression or grief, and once they start drinking, it is hard to stop, because it can numb their emotions,” Kumar said.
Supporters can also be aware of gender differences in response to bereavement. Research suggests that men suffer increased rates of social isolation and dangerous health outcomes as a result.
For example, research on “the widower effect” has consistently shown that men who lose their wives suffer a significantly higher risk of mortality compared to married men. In contrast, women who lose their husbands only have slightly higher rates of mortality compared to married women.
With the holiday season’s emphasis on family, joy and good cheer, grievers can often feel more isolated or aware of their loss. Acknowledging this can help include others in the journey of grieving.
Kumar said, “Grief is so unique to every individual.”
