The holiday season is upon us, but it doesn’t arrive the same way for everyone. It doesn’t even arrive the same way for me anymore. When I was a child, oh-so-many years ago, December meant making lists, singing carols, “trimming” the tree, and watching the cookies we left for Santa mysteriously disappear overnight.
In my 20s, living in Hawaii and far from home, it looked different: improvised “Friendsgivings,” backyard luaus, kalua pork, ice-cold beer, and someone (never me) strumming a ukulele under the swaying palms. Later, back on the mainland, the holidays took on a familiar rhythm again—tables crowded with extended family, friends drifting in and out, and elaborate meals that somehow always required twice as many pots as expected.
Then, in December 2013, I lost my mother. Suddenly, the holidays became something else entirely. Grief has its own calendar, its own tides, and it rolls in especially hard during the season built around family gatherings. My step-father passed last November, compounding that ache.
Grief has taught me many things, but most of all: compassion. This time of year can feel lonely, complicated, or unbearably pressure-filled for people moving through loss—whether that loss comes from death, distance, strained family dynamics or financial stress, layered atop a season that tells us, relentlessly, to be merry.
The data bears out what many of us quietly know: A 2024 American Psychiatric Association poll found that 28% of Americans feel more stress during the holidays; among them, 47% named grief as a major cause. A 2022 survey by ValuePenguin reported that 55% of Americans experience holiday loneliness, with over a third saying grief is part of the reason.
Holiday grief is real. Talking about it matters. And thankfully, our community offers places where those conversations can happen (see resources below). When my partner’s parents passed the year after my mother, we created a new ritual—sharing a memory before a holiday meal. It helped. So do small acts of service, tiny pockets of gratitude and—always—pies. Lots and lots of pies.
I remain deeply grateful for the blessings in my life, perhaps even more so now. If you’re grieving this season, I hope you find space to honor your loved ones—and to be gentle with yourself.
Local support:
- Washington Health: Offers a weekly, in-person support group for adults grieving a loss. Call 510.818.6569.
- GriefShare at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church: A free, in-person 13-week program that meets on Saturdays; participants can join in any week. Call Carol Ramos or Stephen Minister at 510.299.2171.
- Mission Hospice & Home Care: Provides grief support groups and workshops, including resources to help you understand the grief process and cope with holiday-related stress. Call 650.554.1000 or 408.554.2434.
- Fremont Memorial Chapel: Offers a grief support group that meets on Tuesdays and provides online resources as well. Call 510.793.8900.
