For many, Valentine’s Day means pressure—specifically the pressure of Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). The singles remember that they should be in a steady relationship by now, while the people in relationships remember that they’re not doing enough to keep romance alive.
Dr. Shannon Tran, PhD, a psychologist at Kaiser Permanente’s San Leandro Medical Center, shares a different way to think about the fraught holiday: Rather than promoting an unreachable ideal, Valentine’s Day can be a starting point to appreciate the love already present.
Navigating the wasteland of dating apps can leave singles despondent. Dr. Tran remembers one of her own friends who said to her in frustration, “Shannon I’ve tapped out. There’s no one left on Match.com.” Tran encouraged her friend to take a step back, revamp her profile, and give it another shot. As it turns out, the friend went on to find her person.
Mindset is powerful. Tran explains, “If you’re thinking, ‘Oh my gosh the last men left in the last remaining helicopter, so they’re all gone and there’s no one here,’ that’s all you’re going to see. And if you’re around other people that think that way, you’re not going to be able to see what’s available because you’re coming from a filtered perspective.”
While a positive outlook alone can’t poof the ideal partner into existence, viewing oneself as having inherent dignity and value also impacts dating life, “Because that’s how [they] would want to operate even in a relationship.”
Predictably, relationships can boost one’s mental and physical wellbeing by lowering stress, increasing energy levels, leading to better sleep, and even promoting exercise if couples share an activity like working out or taking walks together. On the other hand, toxic relationships increase high blood pressure, depression and anxiety—people can even turn to smoking or alcohol to deal with the stress.
Therefore, how one functions in day-to-day life makes the difference, not whether one is single or partnered. For Tran, the key lies in “simple habits, routines and rituals.” She says, “In relationships, a lot of the time when we’re talking to our partners, it’s to complain. ‘Why did you do this?’” Too often, communication devolves into business discussions around taking care of daily tasks.
Tran proposes that people take time for small communications of appreciation. “[If someone said ‘What I appreciate about you is…’] and it really landed for you and it felt authentic and real and caring, how amazing would you feel?” Most would discover renewed wonder and investment in the relationship.
Tran continues, “You would probably show up in a much better mood, more caring, more loving. So that’s how we keep the relationship alive. It doesn’t have to be these grand big gestures. It’s really in the day to day habits and routines.”
While phones can facilitate this habit of communication through little heartfelt texts, another good practice is choosing a time to put phones away—a good practice for the kids to try too. This can start small, such as putting the phones in a box for 30 minutes of phone-free time to connect. Couples can spark conversation by asking about each other’s high and low points of the day—simply to be present with each other and get a sense of what’s going on with the other person.
One ritual anyone can start is a gratitude journal, which might entail only a few minutes of reflection on blessings and hopes for the day. While people can’t change the world around them, they can choose whether their internal world is full of stress and panic, or if it includes the things in their life that bring joy. Just like how in a relationship couples can choose to make a habit of appreciation, a person can work to make their emotional default better regulated.
Overall, Tran encourages people to take a Valentine’s attitude of, “I’m going to show love on this day.” She expands, “It could be love for self, love for a friend, love for a family member. But it’s really about, How can I remind myself to be more loving?”
