In my last column, I wrote about the fundamental building blocks for being more resilient: taking good care of our bodies and health, managing stress levels, and building meaningful social connections. This month, we’ll take a deeper dive into the secrets of resilient people so that you can train yourself to be stronger in handling life’s challenges.
Life can throw us some real doozies: at some point, all of us will be confronted with death, illness, setbacks, failures, disappointments and other challenges. It’s normal to feel discouraged, frightened and upset when negative events occur. Some, understandably, get stuck in hopelessness, fear and negativity.
Fear responses are normal because our brains are wired to interpret many things as threats. These range from actual physical danger (a rabid dog coming towards you) to social rejection (a group of co-workers go off to lunch and don’t invite you). When we perceive situations or people as threats, we tend to go into what I call our “F” modes (no, not THAT “F”): flight, fight, freeze, fawn, or flag (having lowered energy). These F modes bring with them feelings of fear, shame, rejection, anger, sadness, worry and anxiety. These painful feelings are meant to spur us to action, albeit in a painful way. Unfortunately, some get stuck in F modes and spiral down.
Say for instance, that rumors are swirling that massive layoffs are going to happen at your company. People will react very differently. Some wall themselves off. Others gather in small groups whispering nervously. You notice a few working furiously in an effort to prove their worth. In such a situation where your livelihood is at stake, it is perfectly normal to feel anxious, afraid, stressed, angry and depressed. You might even experience physical symptoms like increased heart rate, stomach upsets and headaches.
The good news is that you can get unstuck by naming your emotions and acknowledging them as natural responses to threat. This is a critical first step in getting a hold of your brain’s responses and developing resilient coping skills. Watch how you speak to yourself—do you have a critical voice that says mean things that you would NEVER say to any other being on this planet? If so, practice a softer, more compassionate voice. Imagine what a good friend or mentor might say to you.
Research on resilient people has uncovered their secrets to developing mental resiliency. One key piece is to focus on what one can control. Resilient people’s minds encourage them toward positive action rather than staying stuck in negative emotions. Hence, resilient people would stay away from toxic workplace gossip or anxious rumor-mongering and instead focus on building positive professional relationships. When a layoff occurs, they might organize a job search support group to share strategies and job leads. They would focus on enhancing their LinkedIn profile, updating their resume and building their internal and external network. They would continue doing a good job so they can leave with a strong recommendation from their boss.
The phrase “growth mindset” captures resilient people perfectly—they see challenges as an opportunity for growth. They don’t interpret a challenge as bad luck or a curse. If we can view a situation as an opportunity, we can manage F modes with constructive reactions that allow us to think more expansively and cope with the situation. During a layoff, you might want to ask yourself how you can grow and nurture your career.
How we respond to difficult situations will ultimately determine our life satisfaction and happiness. When the going gets tough, the resilient get going with a growth mindset and positive action. I wish you all a very resilient and relaxing holiday season!
Anne Chan is a career consultant and licensed psychotherapist in California. She specializes in helping people find happiness in their careers and lives. You can reach her at an*********@gm***.com
© Anne Chan, 2024
